WHEREAS, Puranjay Rajvanshi (hereinafter the "Acquiring Party", also answering to "Poopoo" or "bbb" — but never, under any circumstances, to be addressed by his full government name) has extended an irrevocable Valentine’s Day proposal;
WHEREAS, Aishwarya Gupta urf bbg urf Shushu (hereinafter the "Target Party") has accepted said proposal by clicking "Yes" on this 14th day of February, 2026;
WHEREAS, due diligence has been completed and the Acquiring Party confirms that the Target Party is even more wonderful than initially projected;
NOW, THEREFORE, the Parties, having thoroughly evaluated the risks (zero) and the rewards (unlimited), hereby agree to the following terms and conditions.
1.1 This merger has been closed. There is no break-up fee because there is no break-up. The "No" button was rendered permanently unreachable — both a technical feature and a life metaphor.
1.2 The phrase "I need space" shall be interpreted exclusively as a request for a larger apartment together.
1.3 No regulatory body, friend circle, or family WhatsApp group shall have the authority to block, delay, or unwind this transaction.
1.4 This agreement shall remain in full force across all jurisdictions, time zones, and the 13,000 km between Gurugram and San Francisco. Distance is noted but explicitly overruled as a factor. WhatsApp calls as soon as you wake up and before going to bed shall constitute a binding interim closing until the Parties operate from the same address.
2.1 The Target Party shall, at random intervals but no fewer than once daily, look at the Acquiring Party and say something along the lines of "How did I get so lucky?" (variations permitted; sincerity mandatory).
2.2 The Target Party shall provide no fewer than fourteen (14) hugs and ten (10) poochies per day. Emergency hugs and poochies may be requested at any time without prior notice or justification.
2.3 Goodnight and good morning texts are hereby mandated under penalty of excessive pouting from the Acquiring Party.
2.4 The Target Party agrees to laugh at all jokes made by the Acquiring Party, regardless of quality. Pity laughs are acceptable and, frankly, encouraged.
2.5 Movie nights shall occur no fewer than twice per week. During the interim long-distance period, virtual watch-parties via screen share shall satisfy this obligation; provided, however, that upon co-location, the Target Party’s head shall be legally required to rest on the Acquiring Party’s shoulder for the duration of each screening.
2.6 The Acquiring Party hereby undertakes to learn the art of giving a proper massage and shall diligently improve said skill over time. The Target Party shall serve as the sole evaluator of progress, and her feedback, however harsh, shall be accepted without complaint.
2.7 The last bite of any shared food item is hereby and irrevocably assigned to the Acquiring Party. The Target Party may look longingly at said bite but shall not contest ownership.
2.8 On any occasion where the Target Party creates a handmade item for the Acquiring Party — including but not limited to fridge magnets, postcards, artwork, etc. — the Target Party shall be awarded a “Mera Yaishu Yaishu” day, during which the Acquiring Party shall agree to everything the Target Party says, without objection, hesitation, or loophole-seeking of any kind. For the avoidance of doubt, stacking of multiple earned days is expressly permitted.
3.1 In the event of any argument, disagreement, or spirited debate, the Target Party shall preface her rebuttal with the words "I'm an Ishu paglu but..." before proceeding with her (admittedly valid) point.
3.2 The Target Party shall not get mad, upset, or deploy the silent treatment when the Acquiring Party expresses opinions that differ from her own regarding one Taylor Alison Swift. Musical preferences are not grounds for a material adverse change.
3.3 The use of the words "we need to talk" in a serious tone is strictly prohibited unless immediately followed by "about where to go for dinner."
3.4 Being cuter than legally permissible is a violation, but the Acquiring Party has agreed to waive this clause indefinitely for the Target Party.
4.1 Under no circumstances shall the Target Party: (a) leave, (b) think about leaving, (c) dream about leaving, or (d) Google "how to leave your valentine."
4.2 The Target Party shall not refer to the Acquiring Party as "Puranjay" in any context. Acceptable designations include, but are not limited to: Poopoo, bbb, and any future nicknames mutually agreed upon in writing or via late-night text.
5.1 This agreement shall remain in full force and effect for a period of forever and one day, automatically renewable for successive periods of eternity.
5.2 There is no termination clause. The legal team was specifically instructed not to draft one. Don't even look for it.
5.3 In the unlikely event that the universe ends, this agreement shall survive and continue in whichever parallel dimension both Parties end up in.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the Parties have executed this Definitive Merger Agreement as of the date first written above, with full knowledge that they are stuck with each other (which, let's be honest, is the best possible outcome).